Hooman Resources

And my career low producing an herbal boner pill informercial...

All film workers are gig workers. We’re freelancers. Usually we’re hired for the duration of the project, then we’re laid off at the end.

We’re always coming and going. As such we don’t usually have to deal with HR.

And thank god for that, because I would never be able to successfully navigate those bitches.

The first time I dealt with a HR pro I was pretty deep into my career. I was interviewing for a production manager job at an animation studio. This was still a freelance gig, but this particular studio wasn’t typical of Hollywood.

It was founded by the son of a mass-market fashion mogul. Everyone on the board came out of corporate clothing world. As a result this place had a typical corporate structure, including an HR department.

They flew me in for the interview. My first stop during the interview process wasn’t the producer who wanted to hire me, or the director, or the EPs, or any of the animators. It was this big fat bitch who held the title Director of Human Resources.

She met me in a cramped room off the lobby. It felt like the triage room at the emergency room where they take your vitals. She sat me in a corner, then pulled a chair for herself in front of the door. I was trapped.

Usually you have to get past the big boss at the end of the level, but this bitch was up first.

She asked some questions about production management. I gave her a step by step explanation of the theory and practice of producing a movie (it’s basically production management).

She took it all in, then slowly and patiently, and like a concerned teacher, asked “But what IS that?”

So I go through it again.

I told her the role of a production manager is to keep the project on time and on budget while maintaining the highest standards of creative quality. Then I gave her some brief case studies from my past production management gigs.

“Okay, but what IS that? What is it REALLY about?”

Alright, I’m fucking stumped at this point. What is this bitch asking me? I said, “Well, we’re here to make a movie.”

“But what IS that? How do you DO that?” She was getting extra concerned, and extra patient.

So I went through it again. I gave her my spiel on production 101 and my role in it.

Which was followed by “But that does that MEAN?”

Now I was at the point of maximum frustration. I told her “You’re looking for a specific answer. Why don’t you tell me what you’re getting at and I’ll tell you if I agree.”

But she never told me. She changed the subject, we talked about some other things (start dates, bennies, relocation costs, etc.) and I was shuffled off to meet with the rest of the team.

And no, I didn’t get the gig. They told me I was overqualified, which means they thought I wasn’t qualified at all. I can’t help but think that the HR cunt and her esoteric questions about the metaphysics of filmmaking had something to do with it.

The next time I had to deal with HR was for a boner pill infomercial. Actually it was an HERBAL boner pill infomercial. And if I’m being honest, it was the RESHOOTS for the herbal boner pill infomercial. This was a career low, but I wasn’t hired to do the boner pill shoot. I was hired to produce something else.